Monday 10 November - Can't think of a heading!

It was definately an eventful week last week, starting with one of my close friends going missing.  I'm pleased to say she's home.  Now I'm not in any way, shape or form religious, but for some reason I am praying she gets back what she's lost and becomes that strong, vibrant, bubbly girl again.  She is such a broken angel whose wings have been cruelly clipped but they will mend as hopefully will she. Lots of love and hugs to you Hunny. Xxx 

Then my disastrous day at the hospital, that was such a long emotional day.  My surgeon/consultant..consultant surgeon...whatever, was not too pleased.  He spent the time he was meant to be operating on me searching for a bed in ICU.  He can't start the op without one!  He apparently searched the three ICU departments, argued with 'bed management', thought it was ridiculous as none of the beds have any orthopaedic patients in them and finally when it got to 12 noon, it was time to call it a day.  The op is too long to start after midday.  He apologised and said he would follow it up as soon as he finished our meeting and would get me in before Xmas!  Brilliant, however I wouldn't like to be working in 'bed management' when he shows up! 

Anyway, Friday morning I decided I wasn't going to call the admissions department.  Maria, his admissions secretary, would no doubt contact me when a date had been decided.  Well, if you know me, you know I'm not one to just sit and not make peeps aware that I'm waiting, so at lunchtime, I did call Maria.!   I apologised for calling her as I had said that I'd wait to hear....she cut me off saying..."but it's on Thursday, weren't you told!" She assumed that my consultant, after speaking with her then came back to tell me.  I'm pleased I rang, my letter arrived Saturday morning so, yes, we're doing it again.  

Fingers crossed I go down this time! :-) 

Grrrr!

As I thought....cancelled! Too angry to write anything else!

Waiting!

It's now 10.36am and I've been here now since 6.30am.  What have we done?..well... signed in, listed Steve as my next of kin..obviously.. seen a nurse just to do pre-op, blood pressure, temp, pulse..etc.  Saw the anaesthetist (can't spell it) who smirked at the fact that I'd had injections, then when I showed him the tablets I had to get to take once we'd seen him, he smirked at them and said..."Yes ok, bring them with you!"  Bet I don't take them!    He did explain that I would be having a large blood transfusion and that due to that he might not bring me round until tomorrow.  I will be in pain which he cannot take away but can manage...he said something about having a tube in my neck to self administer pain relief..and tubes out of every orifice..!

I'm now sat with Hubby waiting, watching Homes under the Hammer and feeling exceptionally hungry!

While sat here I keep going through different emotions...am I doing the right thing. Is it worth the pain. No I'm not doing it. For goodness sake, let's get on with it. *rubbling tummy*.

Hopefully I won't have to wait too long now.  Hubbys dropping off! Lol not really.

This is it!

OMG today is the day, I'm on my way with my lovely hubby to the hospital.  Really thought yesterday that it was going to get cancelled again and anxiously waited for the phone to ring.  I asked hubby what the time was...5.34pm-ish.... Oh shit it's happening!  So here I am sat in a frozen over car while hubby scrapes (we weren't expecting that!) Feeling very nervous, but knowing it will be worthwhile.  See you all on the other side!

Missing persons

Really can't explain how I'm feeling at this moment in time, but feel compelled to Blog!  One of my closest friends is missing!  How can that be??  This girl is a strong, head strong, independent woman who doesn't take fools lightly, knows her own mind, is young and vibrant.. Why then has she left a note saying she's had enough, left her keys and phone and disappeared.

There are reasons that I've heard but can't or won't write down until I've had them confirmed because I can't believe them... But my lovely girl, you have so many friends who love you and will protect you from anything. Please come home to the family and friends that hold you dear to their hearts.

I understand you may need time to get your head around things and if rumours are true I totally understand, but please just let those that care know you're safe.  Right deep down you are not a girl who gives up on things, so I know you're ok.  I don't believe in God, but believe me I'm praying for the safe return of my baby bell.

Isn't it Ironic!!

I've got all sorts of things going through my mind today... It's been another short while since I last wrote anything but I've got a new date for my operation. Its this Thursday 6 November!  Eek!!  Not sure how I feel about it to be honest. Very non-plus'd at this moment in time, good or bad, who knows.  It'll probably hit me tomorrow like a brick through a window.

I rang the hospital last Thursday asking when they think a date might be available and how long do people usually have to wait and it all depends on circumstances. If it was a small fusion where they could do 2 in one day and only need one surgeon then rearrangement is easier.  Mine, however, I need 2 surgeons, the theatre for the whole day and an ICU bed to top it all, so all those things need to come together to enable op to take place.

It's ironic really because Friday morning I text my boss at work and asked if I could come in the following Monday to organise coming back to work.  As lovely as it is to be off work and being paid for the privilege, its not me.  Much to my lovely husbands disgust I need to go back to work, for my sanity if anything! He's right tho, it will cause me more pain and break me again before the op.   Ten minutes after arranging a meeting for 10am on Monday, I had a call from the hospital informing me that I was booked in the following Thursday. 

Yay!!!!   Now to plan things.  First things first, make another 'to do' list.

1.  Sort bedroom!  total mess, again!!  My lovely hubby has bought himself a camp bed so that he can sleep next to me and not in bed with me cos he's frightened he'll hurt me.   I'm not complaining! he has a tendancy to lean on me during night and who wouldn't want the whole double bed to yourself!  This bed however, was opened up as the mattress was folded and creased in the middle and we thought it would be a good idea to let it settle.  It has now become a dumping ground for his washing, the family's ironing and other stuff I'm dreading to look at. 

2.  Pack!  What do I take - first 48 hours I'll just be in a hospital gown, I think. I've been informed no underwire bras as they are uncomfortable - my boobs without underwire will not be good - for the first few weeks, I doubt I'll be wearing a bra - omg, my boobs without restraint will cause serious havoc and have a mind of their own.  Lord knows where they'll find them when they bedroll me!!

Nightshirts, clean undies, toothbrush, dry shampoo, bandana, hair brush and sanitory towels.  Yes, at this important time in my life, my monthly has decided not to play ball and has decided to go AWOL!  It was originally expected a week before my original op date but as of today I'm 7 weeks over and no, I'm not pregnant - the lovely hubby's had the 'snip' so its stress and anxiety due to this flamin op. The one thing I am absolutely worried about this op, is not the pain, how long I'm going to be laid up for, it's my bodily functions.  How embarrassing for me to have a monthly when unable to reach down there...I'm dreading it -  even worse ...a poo!!  I have had a laugh with my lovely neighbour Di about trying to wipe ones backside when one cannot bend.  Joking is one thing, actually doing it...omg if someone has to wipe my arse I'm going to die!

Anyway, I've rambled on too long, there are loads of things to add to my 'to do' list, but I honestly can't remember what they are.  Best go and make a start on that room!

In Limbo!

I am totally fed up!

I feel desperate, angry, tearful, confused and so completely helpless I don't know which way to turn.

Wednesday operation was cancelled with a promise of a new date Thursday.

Thursday I had a telephone call with a promise of a date Friday as Surgeons too busy to discuss.

Friday - no call.  So I rang them.  No reply so left a message saying that they had promised me a date Friday.

Monday morning, I decided to call them again and I spoke to the lovely Maria, who is obviously part of a very large team of people who ring patients to book and cancel willy nilly, apologised for not calling Friday, she left early!  I'm so pleased she had a good weekend, because I had nothing else on my mind other than getting a further appointment for my op!  The powers that be are having a meeting today (Monday) to discuss the cancellations and she will definitely have a date for me after then and will call me that afternoon.  2pm no call.   I had some friends round for coffee and a natter and they told me call Maria.  I hate continually calling, I'm becoming a nusiance.  3pm still no call, so I call just before 4pm.  No answer and straight to answer phone.  I left another message.

Today, I have just put the phone down from the lovely Maria, its 4pm.  I was very good, I left it until now to ring.  She doesn't have any news for me.  I'm more than happy to call daily but she will call me once she gets a date, she promises!!!  To cap it all, Mr Bishop, one of my lovely surgeons, is on holiday with his family as its half term! 

So I'm in limbo - what do I do?!  Do I go back to work to find out that I'm booked into theatre in a week or so.  Do I stay at home and wait until the op which could then be scheduled in 3 months time and effectively eating into my sick leave entitlement and ultimately losing my job!  

Is the art of communication totally dead - has Maria actually spoken to the surgeons or her Manager to explain my situation.  Do they have any idea how physically and mentally draining this whole bloody procedure is? 

I know I'm ranting but I am angry and actually I am feeling completely sorry for myself and miserable and do you know what? I don't care anymore.  This whole procedure is ridiculous and needs to be changed.

Signing off now before I start swearing and cursing!!

Busy, busy, busy!

Crickey, can't believe how long it is since I've written on here,  I kept meaning to, but events overtook me and I just didn't have time..

I don't really know where to start.  I have my date for the Op, 23 Oct! I've had my pre-op! In my panic and despair my wonderful hubby reminded me that he had booked us on a short mini-break to Bath, which was amazing.

The above two paragraphs I wrote on the 13 Oct and since then so much has happened, as you can probably see from the date, I didn't have the op.  It was cancelled on Wednesday evening.  Stupidly I had just accepted that it was going ahead.  For weeks I had been saying to everyone 'oh its bound to be cancelled!', mainly to prepare myself in case it was.  However I wasn't expecting to be cancelled the day before, maybe on the day.  They said at my pre-op consultation that the only reason for cancelling would be due to there be a high amount of trauma and no ICU beds available!  Well thats the reason I was given.

I don't think the surgeons and their staff realise the emotional turmoil you go through prior to major surgery!  I have been at my wits end, very nervous, I've blitzed the house to take my mind off things (painfully and slowly I might add). 

What have I been worried about?  Well!! ..... I've been scared stiff of the pain I'll be in after, I've been told it's like waking up with a table strapped to your back.  The horror stories you hear of people not going under properly and feeling and being aware of everything going on but being paralysed and not able to make people aware, (very very rare I know, but I've read it!), I'm scared of actually dying on the operating table, or being paralysed after the op.  My one nightmare is going down to theatre, waving goodbye to my gorgeous husband and never seeing him or the kids again.  Don't tell me that no-one thinks that when they are having major surgery!  Yes maybe I am being totally melodramatic but I always am.  I am an optimistic person really, honestly, but then on the other hand I do think the worse so that I am never disappointed and nothing can ever be as bad as I think it could be.

I've been signed off work due to not mentally or physically being able to cope, building myself up for this op, I've made my Will, I packed, created a numbers list for Hubby to call.  Had tearful evenings curled up with Hubby talking about the quality of life I'll have back after the op.   Also no-one thinks about him. He's self-employed and had to organise work around this op, making sure he would be able to be around and then the night before at 5pm came the call.  "Sorry due to the amount of trauma we have in the hospital at the moment, we cannot proceed with your operation!"   BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!  Then she had the cheek to ask if I was busy the next day as she will call me with a new date for the operation!.. AM I BUSY!  Well I'm not now am I?  

Today is Friday.  I should be in ICU recovering from spinal fusion, but instead I'm waiting for another date!

For the love of Neighbours!

I have had an amazing weekend of doing nothing....

My garden is lovely, until I look at other peoples and then closer at mine and I always think, I wish my garden was like that, or why can't I be that creative.  My problem is in my head I'm a gardener...I have plans for it, a vision... A pagoda there with a swing and plants growing up the side, a rockery and pond there with a hidden section, fruit and veg growing down that side...perfect.  

Reality is I'm no gardener at all..firstly I haven't got the strength, stamina or ability to keep on top of what I've got, let alone create something wonderful and my old man would concrete all of it if he had his way and stick pots on it.  To be honest, I'm was warming to that until my lovely neighbour, Annette, finally beat me down and said that she would come in and dig it over, weed it and tidy it up for me.  She is a gardener and I have refused her continually for the last six months, always wanting to do it myself, mainly because I'm too proud to admit that actually I do need help. It was another one of those, "I'm not letting my back rule my life" situations. I am not going up give in.  However, at the end of a gardening session for me I can't stand up straight and I'm in total agony, hips, back, shoulders everything is on fire.

Last weekend was a big eye opener, physically and mentally and both my lovely neighbours knew that.  When I got home last weekend, my other lovely neighbour, Di,  was weeding my drive and tidying out the front.  This weekend I agreed to Annette doing my back garden and although I felt awful letting her do it, she did such an amazing job.  My left hand bed looks tidy, she found plants I forgot I had due to the ever growing bindweed which gets everywhere.  She gave me a few potting plants to put in my hangers which were dead.  It meant no bending, lifting, just standing and creating pretty pots.  I can manage that!

It was lovely to be in the sunshine and in the garden making it look pretty.

A huge big thank you to both my lovely neighbours.  What would I do without you. Xxx

Time to face reality!

The Doc yesterday was lovely.  I have to say sitting in the waiting room I felt fraudulent.  I've only got a bad back, really what can he do other than give me more pain killers (which he did).  My name was called and I have to go up the stairs, I knew I would, that's where his room is, but as I started to climb, I suddenly realised that I was finding this very difficult, lifting my leg to climb each step was painful.  At home I go up the stairs on all fours, can't really do this here, it's a busy surgery!

I sat down in front of the doc, his first reaction was..."please say you haven't had surgery!" "not yet" I reply, "thank goodness".  My degeneration is so obvious and so much more worse than when I first saw him about this a year ago, over a year ago, that he was expecting that surgery, which originally was scheduled for July might correct it!   That was it....flood gates opened and a tsunami of built up, locked away pain, frustration, anger, grief flooded out all over his desk, my lap....bugger I should have bought a second pack of tissues...!

Upshot!  I'm depressed.  I have got to the end of my body's coping mechanism and I now need to give in and rest up and prepare for surgery.  If I was facing surgery in the mess I was in yesterday and they saw the jellified heap snivelling in the doctors chair, they wouldn't have operated. So I need to get strong, physically and mentally.  I left with a letter signing me off for 2 months, one month til surgery, one month after.  Obviously I'll need another after surgery for at least a further three months, but I was happy.  Now to break the news to work! 

The doc offered me anti depressants, but I don't want to go down that route...I know depression is an awful thing and I have been there a very long time ago and I wasn't on the tablets for long..it's not my way to deal with it. Plus this time I know what the problem is, I know how to dig myself out of this hole and what needs to be done.  I will go back if I need to, he said go back, even just for a chat.

Work were good, spoke to my Head.  Jibbering wreck returns and more tissues needed.  She knows how I hate to give in but she can see why I need to. I'm going in this morning to tie up lose ends and hand jobs over to people to cover while I'm off, then that's it. 

I also went to see my chiropractor yesterday.  He has the most amazing hands ever.  Walked in feeling stiff and awkward, walked out a little more flexible.  He has been the most amazing support I could ever wish for (after my lovely husband of course).    He has explained to me exactly what they do during the op, how long recovery is and he has been honest.  In the beginning he told me to think of B.R.A.N. when seeing the consultants...Benefits.Results.Alternatives and Nothing!  I have quoted that so many times to like sufferers.  Yesterday he said we're now just looking at the benefits and results.  We've tried alternatives and we know what will happen if we do nothing!   Anyway I'm having another dose of Simeon next Tuesday.

This was all yesterday...what a busy day I had!  Here's to another one........ 

Who needs appointments?!

Honestly, trying to get an appointment with the doctor is impossible!!!  I could be dying and I'd never get to see one. Ok I know, if I was dying I'd probably be calling 999, but you get the idea.

Friday, home from work, absolute agony, I seriously can't do this anymore! Mini melt down thinking I do just want to die, but I wasn't serious enough for a doctors appointment. I could have a phone call tho, however that didn't materialise either.  It really was a good thing I wasn't totally suicidal, just partially! 

No work Monday, seriously can't face it!  However no doctors appointment either! My doctors (who know my case) were either fully booked or off ill themselves... Poor things!  Spent the day catching up on work that I'd bought home and starting a PowerPoint for the office ...well OFSTED is looming! I booked an appointment for a weeks time in the evening but told to phone daily for cancellations or emergency appointments.  

Rang again today, finger on the redial permantely and finally got through after 15 minutes of continuous redial...might have to question him on my swollen finger! 

Ok, so what am I looking for other than more painkillers and a referral for Sophie. Ideally to be permantely signed off til operation, absolutely shattered with work.  If I don't get healthy before op they won't do it! Part of me doesn't want to give in, but part of me knows that I've pushed it as far as I can and it's time to stop.  I just hope my job will be there after, I'm sure it will be but in what form! 

Anyway, I'll let you know! 

Make friends with your pain!

"....grieve for what you have lost and make friends with your pain, for this is all you'll know from now on!"  ...........what a load of b@#*#@s!   

This is a statement from a nurse in the pain clinic who was treating a colleague for her pain.  She obviously has never suffered the pain of scoliosis!   She reminded me of a midwife I once had who ran our anti natal classes, it was with my middle child so I'm going back 17 years, but she told us that the pain of child birth was a beautiful experience and we were to embrace the pain and remember how beautiful we are and that the pain is beautiful!  I asked her if she had any children, she hadn't! She doesn't know but it's what she will think when her time comes.   Another load of b@#*#@s!!

I never understood the difference between back ache and back pain, you think back ache is bad, I know I did but the pain is unbelievable. I have a very high pain threshold, always have,  but to still have pain while I'm dosed up to the eye balls on stupid medication that's made me fat and bloated is depressing, very depressing.  I can't see anything past the pain. I don't or can't do anything, I can't see my friends, I struggle through my day at work with a brave face on but inside I just want to curl up and cry. It hurts to walk, to sit, to lift, some days to breath. Pain is the enemy and it taken over my life, I've lost my looks, my dignity, my self confidence and self esteem.  I'm totally cut off from the world.  

So, I ask you,  who in God's name would seriously want to befriend that?! 

Finally!!!

I was so pleased on Monday this week.  After months of agony, injections, pain killers, chiropractors and lost dark days I have a date!   I was so happy on the phone when the Consultants Secretary told me I was scheduled for theatre on the 23rd October that I cried!  Finally I might begin to feel just a little better.

I'm having two titanium rods inserted in my spine and then bridged across to my pelvis to straighten and fuse my spine from T2 - L5, (thoracic 2 - lumbar 5).  When I was first told that this would happen back in March I was terrified, it's a massive operation with a long recovery so I did the worst thing imaginable and 'Googled' the op!  That was a huge mistake, the pictures and detail were so graphic that I had panic attacks and tears nightly.  One of the pictures had a patient (well looked like a slab of meat that they practice on) lying on the operating table, open wound from her neck to her arse (I assume it was a woman - I don't know) with all these ratchet poles standing to attention from her spine.  All very clean and medical, but looking like something from outer space.  In fact the film Elysium came to mind with Matt Damon sporting a mighty fine outer spinal column! 

Another day I found a tutorial video on you-tube of the operation being performed in America... OMG well I managed 1.5 minutes before I felt totally dizzy, sick and had to turn it off.  I don't think that was meant for public viewing!

I meet the Consultant to discuss the operation on 6th October.  I need to lose a stone in 4 weeks.  Let's hope I do it! 

Its been a long haul!

I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Scoliosis when I was about 14, I had a slight hump on my right shoulder blade and mum wasn't happy with it.  Before diagnosis I had been to the Doctors and seen various other Doctors at hospital every 6 months from the age of 11.  The Doctors back then and in Dorking, hadn't seen anything like it before and watched it develop til they realised that it was quite common in girls and sent me to Queen Mary's hospital for children in Carshalton.  It was an hour drive from home and in late 70's quite a trek!  

My consultant was quite scary and after a few visits I was put in a Boston Brace which was like wearing plastic body armour. At the front, it came up to just under my tiny (back then they were) boobs, up under my right armpit, down the front over my hips and straight across my pubic bone. At the back, it went down to the top of my buttocks.  Some days, if I wasn't careful I would pinch my arse between the bottom of the brace and seat causing blood blisters.  I also remember one day walking into a door and catching my left boob between the brace and door causing a nasty cut.  If I search, I can still see the scar, but it's not so easy now the boobs have got so much bigger!

I wore that brace til I was nearly 18 and I assume that it worked! It became like a second skin, it didn't stop me from doing anything, riding bikes, canoeing, working in Robert Dyas, I could even do cartwheels and handstands in it, although very clumsily! I was climbing trees and having fun.  I have to confess I didn't really listen to what the consultant said, ever. Although I do remember something about surgery but I never had it, so I can only assume my mother refused it.

I'm 48 now, and I have had various osteopath/chiropractic/physio appointments over the years, especially when it got really stiff and painful, but the best I ever felt was when I was pregnant.  I was told it was because the bones in the pelvic region loosen up making the pain lessen.  I had 4 amazing pregnancies from the physical side, not from the pregnancy side, but that had nothing to do with the scoliosis, just how I carried boys.  I have 3 gorgeous kids and the story about my second born will be something for another day.

As I said scoliosis didn't stop me from doing anything, to the point that I became a Zumba instructor and loved every minute of it, zumbering for about 6 hours a week, teaching and being a student, but that was my downfall.  I ignored the pain I could feel in my lower back, the crunching sound I could hear and feel when I rotated and thrust my pelvis and hips in all directions.  I ignored the pain in my knees which were compensating for the pain in my back and I continued to zumba. Two and a half years later while instructing with a friend my back 'went'.  4 June 2013.  I remember it well. I had to come off stage and let my friend finish the class. My zumba days were over!

Missing it!

I started off my working career as a secretary/receptionist for a firm of Solicitors when I was 18.  I went along to my very first interview straight from the Careers Office in Dorking to the small office in Chessington where I met a lovely lady who was to become my boss.  She reminded me so much of my mum, the way she spoke, looked, held herself that to be offered the job was natural.  I felt like I was working with family!  She treated me like her daughter too.  It probably had something to do with the fact that she was exactly the same age as mum and had a daughter my age, therefore she became my second mum.

The firm quickly expanded and she and I moved to the Kingston Office and I was promoted to secretary.  Over the years things changed, I left, came back left again, came back again and finally worked for the Managing Partner who was such a sleaze bag that when he tried it on with me, I jacked the job in there and then, went to see my second mother to seek her opinion, only to be told, "well you are the Managing Partners secretary, what did you expect, it's what he does!"  There endeth my relationship with that firm of solicitors.  Sadly for him it came to a very nasty end when he was discovered to be embezzling funds from the clients account and committed suicide in a locked up garage somewhere with a hosepipe attached to the exhaust.  I really felt for his family and for my second mother, who had somehow got herself all mixed up in the Company by becoming a silent partner or whatever it was.  I wonder how many times she slept with him to get there!!

Anyway I digress, because my main reason for blogging today was because I went to see a good friend of mine yesterday at her Childrens Centre not far from me.  I use to work with her at my local infant school where I was a Higher Level Teaching Assistant and she was an NNEB.  It all sounds very posh but effectively I was the Governments cheap way to cover supply in schools and she was a Nursery Nurse.  I loved that job, I loved to be able to watch the children progress from not being able to write their name or anything educational to florishing and writing pages of stories, solving mathmatical problems and to know that I had contributed to that success was exciting.

Looking at where she worked yesterday was an eye opener.  She is now an Outreach Worker, working with parents with needs to help with parenting and just every day parenting issues that don't always come naturally to some parents.  She holds play sessions for parents to bring their babies and pre-school children and teaches them how to learn through play in this extremely light, bright and colourful environment full of exciting things for the children to do.  Display boards showing bright and eyecatching information on the topics the children are learning, a sand pit, mud pit, climbing frame for the toddlers, upturned plastic bottles with the bottoms cut off, soil put in and green plants with bright red tomatoes hanging from them, ready for the children to pick and eat.  We had a cup of tea and I sat in her lovely airy office and thought I want to work here. How can I get to work at her Childrens Centre.  I have offered my services..

Due to the Scoliosis and the pain it causes me with working with the younger children, I no longer work directly with the children, I am now a very poshly named 'Schools Communication and Relations Officer', basically I'm now the school receptionist, dealing with the day to day, face to face problems of the parents!  I am slightly bitter that my back has seen to this, my life has changed so much over the past year and i've now been out of teaching for approximately 6 months and to say I miss it is an understatement, I miss the children, watching them florish, answering their questions, dealing with silly childish issues of 'who picked on who!, 'she called me a nasty name' 'oh dear, what did she call you?' 'she called me rude!'  I love it and I miss it.

My goal after my operation is to get back to teaching or into my friends Children Centre and get back to where I belong.

Medication is wonderful!

I have had a wonderful weekend.  It started with a lovely evening out with work colleagues on Friday night and culminated in me and my Hubby redecorating the bathroom.  Friday during the day, I seriously thought I was going to die, my back was really painful, I rested before I went out then endured the agony of curry house chairs with hard backs that don't fit your shape so you find yourself leaning forward all evening.  Night times are getting tricky now too, I can't find a comfortable position to lie in and when I do, it's not long before I start to ache, so about 3am I gave up, grabbed my dressing gown and slippers and made my way down the stairs to the living room where I lay with 2 hot water bottles, one for my back, one for my front.  I took two paracetamols and fell asleep.

I have to confess, I'm waiting for this corrective spine surgery and on June 16 I had my second bout of injections to ease the joints and numb the pain.  Having them also aids me in losing weight as the tablets I am on make me blow up like a balloon.  My consultant has said that he would like me to lose a stone to aid with the operation.  I'm not excessively overweight but I am bigger than I was and definitely bigger than the average 14 year olds who are now generally having the operations to correct scoliosis.  So I was reluctant to take painkillers again.   However Saturday, we were expecting my Hubby's family over for our eldest's 22nd birthday (God, that makes me feel so old) and Hubby thought it would be a good idea to take the painkillers just for the weekend, to help me through the day. So I did and OMG amazing, I felt wonderful, the pain had reduced considerably after the second dose and I was moving freely.  I do actually wonder whether having half a bottle of Spiced Rum and coke had anything to do either it as well. 

I continued to take the painkillers on Sunday (without the Spiced Rum) and on Monday Hubby and I managed to redecorate the bathroom.

so I'm back on the painkillers, let's see what the Consultant says when I next see him. :-) 

Fear of the Unknown

I had a bad night last night...  I saw my first Consultant for many years last January, after suffering with chronic debilitating back pain from June 2013, and he informed me that I would need surgery to correct two quite severe curvatures that have obviously degenerated over the last few years.  Since then I have begun to suffer with panic attacks, especially at night.  My husband is asleep beside and my mind starts really wandering.

This is a picture from the MRI scan I had in January 2014 of my lubar section.  It shows a 70 degree curvature with arthritis and my curve up top is 60 degrees.

I'm due to have two titanium rods inserted either side of my spine from the top to the bottom and then a bridge across to attach the rods to my pelvis as my lower spine has degenerated so much that it would not hold the rods for long. I am scared stiff..  The two surgeons are amazing, they work as a team and have done so many of these operations together that they know what they are doing. However, they have not operated on me or my back.  As with all operations there is a risk, a risk of death, a risk of paralysis, a risk of infection, a risk that this might not work and I'll need further surgery, a risk that the constant immense pain that I'm in now will get worse!  oh please!! and how am I going to be after the op.  I read on another blog that having the rods is like waking up with a table strapped to your back.  I am, and have been, a very active person.  I have danced, jived in competitions, been a Zumba instructor, had three amazing children, run around after them and schools and family since forever, and I work.  How can I go from being active, to being nothing.  How am I going to be after the op, what is the pain going to be like, how will I walk, put socks on...for gods sake, how the hell am I going to wipe my bum...you try it with a totally rigged back!! not easy!

While all this is going round and round in my head in the dead of night, I can feel the panic start.  It starts as a knot in my stomach and tight, heavy knot and I can feel it, it hurts.  The knot grows so that eventually I get a pain in my chest and I can feel and hear my heart beating and getting faster.  The knot is still there too.  It then spreads to my throat which gets tighter and hurts which then radiates through to my ears which are throbbing from the noise from my heart, then it hits my eyes and the tears start.  They appear from the corner of my shut eyes and roll down my face to my ears and they are hot.  Hot sticky tears.  The only way to alleviate all this pain is to roll up into a tight ball and bury my head, and eventually after lots of quiet sobbing, I fall asleep.

I think last nights attack was simply bought on by the fact that yesterday I was made an Admin Assistant on a Scoliosis facebook page.  Not that that really makes any difference to me at all.  I think it was just that the lady that created the page felt that it was getting too big for her alone to be answering the questions and queries fellow sufferers were asking.  Maybe I read too many negative posts.  Everybody is in pain, everybody who has the rods has developed other ailments and pains, not one had a positive thing to say about the ops.

I spoke to my husband this morning and told him about the panic attack, he always gets cross that I don't wake him up, but he does so much for me at the moment, how can I wake him up and say 'babe, I'm scared again!'  No, best to just get on with it.  Anyway I decided today I would add a post to the facebook page to see how many people over 40 there are on there, as most seem to be alot younger than me, and then how many positive comments we can get.

Anyway I'm absolutely shattered today, due to lack of sleep but I'll let you know how my posts go tomorrow.

xx

You will only get the results you deserve!

Today I woke up in a positive frame of mind. I decided that after the 'write off' of a day yesterday (my back was sooo bad, I sat on the sofa all day watching mindless daytime tv and catching up on Emmerdale and In The Club...OMG that show is brilliant.) I would attempt to be a little more positive and push through the pain today.

It is also GCSE day, the day my middle son collects his results.  I have just got home after dropping him at his 'boyfriends' and let's say he didn't get what I imagined he'd get.  I dropped him at the school gates after being told frantically as I approached them, "no mum, don't go in, you can't go in, I'll walk from here!"  Ok!  So I reverse back down the drive a bit (no room to turn, without entering said gates) and park up just outside.  I had visions of him coming towards the car smiling and waving the papers excitedly at me, but not even 2 minutes later he strolled out through the gates, head down, papers clutched in his fist and on his phone! Obviously checking results with mates.

Now, to say I'm disappointed is not a word I generally like to use when it comes to my kids, I am very proud of all three of my children and know that they only ever do their best.  However, where are the B's he said he'd get, or the 'walk in the park' result for English.  To be honest, he only really needs 5 C's to get on the course he's enrolling on later but and this is a big BUT, they have to include Maths and English! He gets a C in maths, lucky! a C in English literature and a D...yes a D in English Language.  How can he fail language when all through his coursework and homework and reports he was doing well..... Or was he!!!

I'm sat here now feeling really guilty and angry, at myself not him.  He hated the school and had a lot of personal problems there which they brushed under the carpet, but maybe I should have pushed him a little harder.  He did revise, at least he said he was revising.  How can you check? the teachers nagged him, I nagged him, his dad nagged him.  There is only so much nagging and making him understand the importance of his exams that you can give or he can take.  Maybe we all nagged too much and pushed him the other way.  He knew that he needed those 2 grades to make the course, well we'll see this afternoon if he can still enroll and retake English alongside.

My work colleague, who happens to be an amazing teacher, told me what she had told her son before his exams...you will only get the results you deserve. I did pinch it and tell my son the same and all I can say now is, Well Son, you got what you deserved!

It's a totally different language!

Well...here goes!!

I have absolutely no idea what I am doing! This is all totally new to me. Yes I Facebook, I can easily message, update statuses, add photos, comment, like and share pages to my hearts content.  I have a Twitter account, god knows why?! I have no idea what I'm doing on that... I also have Whatsapp, what for?! I have a phone for texting.  I don't have however, Snap Chat, Instagram, or a Blog, up until now!

I decided that I would write this Blog, mainly for me as a journal of my impending surgery, but I'm also very conscious that apparently people will read it! I'm not sure who will want to read about boring old me and my back surgery, but hey whatever floats your boat, as they say.

At this point in time, I have no idea how people see this, how to share it with like suffering people, how to change the layout or text but do you know, I'm looking forward to finding out and exploring the site.  I apologise now for any mistakes that I may make or any offence that people take to what I write or pictures I upload, I will be tactful but as I understand it, a Blog is a way of expressing thoughts and feelings and sharing experiences to help those that are interested.

Have a good day Peeps, and I'll try to remember I've created this tomorrow, oh and how to get back on it..tee hee