Busy, busy, busy!

Crickey, can't believe how long it is since I've written on here,  I kept meaning to, but events overtook me and I just didn't have time..

I don't really know where to start.  I have my date for the Op, 23 Oct! I've had my pre-op! In my panic and despair my wonderful hubby reminded me that he had booked us on a short mini-break to Bath, which was amazing.

The above two paragraphs I wrote on the 13 Oct and since then so much has happened, as you can probably see from the date, I didn't have the op.  It was cancelled on Wednesday evening.  Stupidly I had just accepted that it was going ahead.  For weeks I had been saying to everyone 'oh its bound to be cancelled!', mainly to prepare myself in case it was.  However I wasn't expecting to be cancelled the day before, maybe on the day.  They said at my pre-op consultation that the only reason for cancelling would be due to there be a high amount of trauma and no ICU beds available!  Well thats the reason I was given.

I don't think the surgeons and their staff realise the emotional turmoil you go through prior to major surgery!  I have been at my wits end, very nervous, I've blitzed the house to take my mind off things (painfully and slowly I might add). 

What have I been worried about?  Well!! ..... I've been scared stiff of the pain I'll be in after, I've been told it's like waking up with a table strapped to your back.  The horror stories you hear of people not going under properly and feeling and being aware of everything going on but being paralysed and not able to make people aware, (very very rare I know, but I've read it!), I'm scared of actually dying on the operating table, or being paralysed after the op.  My one nightmare is going down to theatre, waving goodbye to my gorgeous husband and never seeing him or the kids again.  Don't tell me that no-one thinks that when they are having major surgery!  Yes maybe I am being totally melodramatic but I always am.  I am an optimistic person really, honestly, but then on the other hand I do think the worse so that I am never disappointed and nothing can ever be as bad as I think it could be.

I've been signed off work due to not mentally or physically being able to cope, building myself up for this op, I've made my Will, I packed, created a numbers list for Hubby to call.  Had tearful evenings curled up with Hubby talking about the quality of life I'll have back after the op.   Also no-one thinks about him. He's self-employed and had to organise work around this op, making sure he would be able to be around and then the night before at 5pm came the call.  "Sorry due to the amount of trauma we have in the hospital at the moment, we cannot proceed with your operation!"   BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!  Then she had the cheek to ask if I was busy the next day as she will call me with a new date for the operation!.. AM I BUSY!  Well I'm not now am I?  

Today is Friday.  I should be in ICU recovering from spinal fusion, but instead I'm waiting for another date!