The Doc yesterday was lovely. I have to say sitting in the waiting room I felt fraudulent. I've only got a bad back, really what can he do other than give me more pain killers (which he did). My name was called and I have to go up the stairs, I knew I would, that's where his room is, but as I started to climb, I suddenly realised that I was finding this very difficult, lifting my leg to climb each step was painful. At home I go up the stairs on all fours, can't really do this here, it's a busy surgery!
I sat down in front of the doc, his first reaction was..."please say you haven't had surgery!" "not yet" I reply, "thank goodness". My degeneration is so obvious and so much more worse than when I first saw him about this a year ago, over a year ago, that he was expecting that surgery, which originally was scheduled for July might correct it! That was it....flood gates opened and a tsunami of built up, locked away pain, frustration, anger, grief flooded out all over his desk, my lap....bugger I should have bought a second pack of tissues...!
Upshot! I'm depressed. I have got to the end of my body's coping mechanism and I now need to give in and rest up and prepare for surgery. If I was facing surgery in the mess I was in yesterday and they saw the jellified heap snivelling in the doctors chair, they wouldn't have operated. So I need to get strong, physically and mentally. I left with a letter signing me off for 2 months, one month til surgery, one month after. Obviously I'll need another after surgery for at least a further three months, but I was happy. Now to break the news to work!
The doc offered me anti depressants, but I don't want to go down that route...I know depression is an awful thing and I have been there a very long time ago and I wasn't on the tablets for long..it's not my way to deal with it. Plus this time I know what the problem is, I know how to dig myself out of this hole and what needs to be done. I will go back if I need to, he said go back, even just for a chat.
Work were good, spoke to my Head. Jibbering wreck returns and more tissues needed. She knows how I hate to give in but she can see why I need to. I'm going in this morning to tie up lose ends and hand jobs over to people to cover while I'm off, then that's it.
I also went to see my chiropractor yesterday. He has the most amazing hands ever. Walked in feeling stiff and awkward, walked out a little more flexible. He has been the most amazing support I could ever wish for (after my lovely husband of course). He has explained to me exactly what they do during the op, how long recovery is and he has been honest. In the beginning he told me to think of B.R.A.N. when seeing the consultants...Benefits.Results.Alternatives and Nothing! I have quoted that so many times to like sufferers. Yesterday he said we're now just looking at the benefits and results. We've tried alternatives and we know what will happen if we do nothing! Anyway I'm having another dose of Simeon next Tuesday.
This was all yesterday...what a busy day I had! Here's to another one........
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