For the love of Neighbours!

I have had an amazing weekend of doing nothing....

My garden is lovely, until I look at other peoples and then closer at mine and I always think, I wish my garden was like that, or why can't I be that creative.  My problem is in my head I'm a gardener...I have plans for it, a vision... A pagoda there with a swing and plants growing up the side, a rockery and pond there with a hidden section, fruit and veg growing down that side...perfect.  

Reality is I'm no gardener at all..firstly I haven't got the strength, stamina or ability to keep on top of what I've got, let alone create something wonderful and my old man would concrete all of it if he had his way and stick pots on it.  To be honest, I'm was warming to that until my lovely neighbour, Annette, finally beat me down and said that she would come in and dig it over, weed it and tidy it up for me.  She is a gardener and I have refused her continually for the last six months, always wanting to do it myself, mainly because I'm too proud to admit that actually I do need help. It was another one of those, "I'm not letting my back rule my life" situations. I am not going up give in.  However, at the end of a gardening session for me I can't stand up straight and I'm in total agony, hips, back, shoulders everything is on fire.

Last weekend was a big eye opener, physically and mentally and both my lovely neighbours knew that.  When I got home last weekend, my other lovely neighbour, Di,  was weeding my drive and tidying out the front.  This weekend I agreed to Annette doing my back garden and although I felt awful letting her do it, she did such an amazing job.  My left hand bed looks tidy, she found plants I forgot I had due to the ever growing bindweed which gets everywhere.  She gave me a few potting plants to put in my hangers which were dead.  It meant no bending, lifting, just standing and creating pretty pots.  I can manage that!

It was lovely to be in the sunshine and in the garden making it look pretty.

A huge big thank you to both my lovely neighbours.  What would I do without you. Xxx

Time to face reality!

The Doc yesterday was lovely.  I have to say sitting in the waiting room I felt fraudulent.  I've only got a bad back, really what can he do other than give me more pain killers (which he did).  My name was called and I have to go up the stairs, I knew I would, that's where his room is, but as I started to climb, I suddenly realised that I was finding this very difficult, lifting my leg to climb each step was painful.  At home I go up the stairs on all fours, can't really do this here, it's a busy surgery!

I sat down in front of the doc, his first reaction was..."please say you haven't had surgery!" "not yet" I reply, "thank goodness".  My degeneration is so obvious and so much more worse than when I first saw him about this a year ago, over a year ago, that he was expecting that surgery, which originally was scheduled for July might correct it!   That was it....flood gates opened and a tsunami of built up, locked away pain, frustration, anger, grief flooded out all over his desk, my lap....bugger I should have bought a second pack of tissues...!

Upshot!  I'm depressed.  I have got to the end of my body's coping mechanism and I now need to give in and rest up and prepare for surgery.  If I was facing surgery in the mess I was in yesterday and they saw the jellified heap snivelling in the doctors chair, they wouldn't have operated. So I need to get strong, physically and mentally.  I left with a letter signing me off for 2 months, one month til surgery, one month after.  Obviously I'll need another after surgery for at least a further three months, but I was happy.  Now to break the news to work! 

The doc offered me anti depressants, but I don't want to go down that route...I know depression is an awful thing and I have been there a very long time ago and I wasn't on the tablets for long..it's not my way to deal with it. Plus this time I know what the problem is, I know how to dig myself out of this hole and what needs to be done.  I will go back if I need to, he said go back, even just for a chat.

Work were good, spoke to my Head.  Jibbering wreck returns and more tissues needed.  She knows how I hate to give in but she can see why I need to. I'm going in this morning to tie up lose ends and hand jobs over to people to cover while I'm off, then that's it. 

I also went to see my chiropractor yesterday.  He has the most amazing hands ever.  Walked in feeling stiff and awkward, walked out a little more flexible.  He has been the most amazing support I could ever wish for (after my lovely husband of course).    He has explained to me exactly what they do during the op, how long recovery is and he has been honest.  In the beginning he told me to think of B.R.A.N. when seeing the consultants...Benefits.Results.Alternatives and Nothing!  I have quoted that so many times to like sufferers.  Yesterday he said we're now just looking at the benefits and results.  We've tried alternatives and we know what will happen if we do nothing!   Anyway I'm having another dose of Simeon next Tuesday.

This was all yesterday...what a busy day I had!  Here's to another one........ 

Who needs appointments?!

Honestly, trying to get an appointment with the doctor is impossible!!!  I could be dying and I'd never get to see one. Ok I know, if I was dying I'd probably be calling 999, but you get the idea.

Friday, home from work, absolute agony, I seriously can't do this anymore! Mini melt down thinking I do just want to die, but I wasn't serious enough for a doctors appointment. I could have a phone call tho, however that didn't materialise either.  It really was a good thing I wasn't totally suicidal, just partially! 

No work Monday, seriously can't face it!  However no doctors appointment either! My doctors (who know my case) were either fully booked or off ill themselves... Poor things!  Spent the day catching up on work that I'd bought home and starting a PowerPoint for the office ...well OFSTED is looming! I booked an appointment for a weeks time in the evening but told to phone daily for cancellations or emergency appointments.  

Rang again today, finger on the redial permantely and finally got through after 15 minutes of continuous redial...might have to question him on my swollen finger! 

Ok, so what am I looking for other than more painkillers and a referral for Sophie. Ideally to be permantely signed off til operation, absolutely shattered with work.  If I don't get healthy before op they won't do it! Part of me doesn't want to give in, but part of me knows that I've pushed it as far as I can and it's time to stop.  I just hope my job will be there after, I'm sure it will be but in what form! 

Anyway, I'll let you know! 

Make friends with your pain!

"....grieve for what you have lost and make friends with your pain, for this is all you'll know from now on!"  ...........what a load of b@#*#@s!   

This is a statement from a nurse in the pain clinic who was treating a colleague for her pain.  She obviously has never suffered the pain of scoliosis!   She reminded me of a midwife I once had who ran our anti natal classes, it was with my middle child so I'm going back 17 years, but she told us that the pain of child birth was a beautiful experience and we were to embrace the pain and remember how beautiful we are and that the pain is beautiful!  I asked her if she had any children, she hadn't! She doesn't know but it's what she will think when her time comes.   Another load of b@#*#@s!!

I never understood the difference between back ache and back pain, you think back ache is bad, I know I did but the pain is unbelievable. I have a very high pain threshold, always have,  but to still have pain while I'm dosed up to the eye balls on stupid medication that's made me fat and bloated is depressing, very depressing.  I can't see anything past the pain. I don't or can't do anything, I can't see my friends, I struggle through my day at work with a brave face on but inside I just want to curl up and cry. It hurts to walk, to sit, to lift, some days to breath. Pain is the enemy and it taken over my life, I've lost my looks, my dignity, my self confidence and self esteem.  I'm totally cut off from the world.  

So, I ask you,  who in God's name would seriously want to befriend that?! 

Finally!!!

I was so pleased on Monday this week.  After months of agony, injections, pain killers, chiropractors and lost dark days I have a date!   I was so happy on the phone when the Consultants Secretary told me I was scheduled for theatre on the 23rd October that I cried!  Finally I might begin to feel just a little better.

I'm having two titanium rods inserted in my spine and then bridged across to my pelvis to straighten and fuse my spine from T2 - L5, (thoracic 2 - lumbar 5).  When I was first told that this would happen back in March I was terrified, it's a massive operation with a long recovery so I did the worst thing imaginable and 'Googled' the op!  That was a huge mistake, the pictures and detail were so graphic that I had panic attacks and tears nightly.  One of the pictures had a patient (well looked like a slab of meat that they practice on) lying on the operating table, open wound from her neck to her arse (I assume it was a woman - I don't know) with all these ratchet poles standing to attention from her spine.  All very clean and medical, but looking like something from outer space.  In fact the film Elysium came to mind with Matt Damon sporting a mighty fine outer spinal column! 

Another day I found a tutorial video on you-tube of the operation being performed in America... OMG well I managed 1.5 minutes before I felt totally dizzy, sick and had to turn it off.  I don't think that was meant for public viewing!

I meet the Consultant to discuss the operation on 6th October.  I need to lose a stone in 4 weeks.  Let's hope I do it! 

Its been a long haul!

I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Scoliosis when I was about 14, I had a slight hump on my right shoulder blade and mum wasn't happy with it.  Before diagnosis I had been to the Doctors and seen various other Doctors at hospital every 6 months from the age of 11.  The Doctors back then and in Dorking, hadn't seen anything like it before and watched it develop til they realised that it was quite common in girls and sent me to Queen Mary's hospital for children in Carshalton.  It was an hour drive from home and in late 70's quite a trek!  

My consultant was quite scary and after a few visits I was put in a Boston Brace which was like wearing plastic body armour. At the front, it came up to just under my tiny (back then they were) boobs, up under my right armpit, down the front over my hips and straight across my pubic bone. At the back, it went down to the top of my buttocks.  Some days, if I wasn't careful I would pinch my arse between the bottom of the brace and seat causing blood blisters.  I also remember one day walking into a door and catching my left boob between the brace and door causing a nasty cut.  If I search, I can still see the scar, but it's not so easy now the boobs have got so much bigger!

I wore that brace til I was nearly 18 and I assume that it worked! It became like a second skin, it didn't stop me from doing anything, riding bikes, canoeing, working in Robert Dyas, I could even do cartwheels and handstands in it, although very clumsily! I was climbing trees and having fun.  I have to confess I didn't really listen to what the consultant said, ever. Although I do remember something about surgery but I never had it, so I can only assume my mother refused it.

I'm 48 now, and I have had various osteopath/chiropractic/physio appointments over the years, especially when it got really stiff and painful, but the best I ever felt was when I was pregnant.  I was told it was because the bones in the pelvic region loosen up making the pain lessen.  I had 4 amazing pregnancies from the physical side, not from the pregnancy side, but that had nothing to do with the scoliosis, just how I carried boys.  I have 3 gorgeous kids and the story about my second born will be something for another day.

As I said scoliosis didn't stop me from doing anything, to the point that I became a Zumba instructor and loved every minute of it, zumbering for about 6 hours a week, teaching and being a student, but that was my downfall.  I ignored the pain I could feel in my lower back, the crunching sound I could hear and feel when I rotated and thrust my pelvis and hips in all directions.  I ignored the pain in my knees which were compensating for the pain in my back and I continued to zumba. Two and a half years later while instructing with a friend my back 'went'.  4 June 2013.  I remember it well. I had to come off stage and let my friend finish the class. My zumba days were over!