In Limbo!

I am totally fed up!

I feel desperate, angry, tearful, confused and so completely helpless I don't know which way to turn.

Wednesday operation was cancelled with a promise of a new date Thursday.

Thursday I had a telephone call with a promise of a date Friday as Surgeons too busy to discuss.

Friday - no call.  So I rang them.  No reply so left a message saying that they had promised me a date Friday.

Monday morning, I decided to call them again and I spoke to the lovely Maria, who is obviously part of a very large team of people who ring patients to book and cancel willy nilly, apologised for not calling Friday, she left early!  I'm so pleased she had a good weekend, because I had nothing else on my mind other than getting a further appointment for my op!  The powers that be are having a meeting today (Monday) to discuss the cancellations and she will definitely have a date for me after then and will call me that afternoon.  2pm no call.   I had some friends round for coffee and a natter and they told me call Maria.  I hate continually calling, I'm becoming a nusiance.  3pm still no call, so I call just before 4pm.  No answer and straight to answer phone.  I left another message.

Today, I have just put the phone down from the lovely Maria, its 4pm.  I was very good, I left it until now to ring.  She doesn't have any news for me.  I'm more than happy to call daily but she will call me once she gets a date, she promises!!!  To cap it all, Mr Bishop, one of my lovely surgeons, is on holiday with his family as its half term! 

So I'm in limbo - what do I do?!  Do I go back to work to find out that I'm booked into theatre in a week or so.  Do I stay at home and wait until the op which could then be scheduled in 3 months time and effectively eating into my sick leave entitlement and ultimately losing my job!  

Is the art of communication totally dead - has Maria actually spoken to the surgeons or her Manager to explain my situation.  Do they have any idea how physically and mentally draining this whole bloody procedure is? 

I know I'm ranting but I am angry and actually I am feeling completely sorry for myself and miserable and do you know what? I don't care anymore.  This whole procedure is ridiculous and needs to be changed.

Signing off now before I start swearing and cursing!!

Busy, busy, busy!

Crickey, can't believe how long it is since I've written on here,  I kept meaning to, but events overtook me and I just didn't have time..

I don't really know where to start.  I have my date for the Op, 23 Oct! I've had my pre-op! In my panic and despair my wonderful hubby reminded me that he had booked us on a short mini-break to Bath, which was amazing.

The above two paragraphs I wrote on the 13 Oct and since then so much has happened, as you can probably see from the date, I didn't have the op.  It was cancelled on Wednesday evening.  Stupidly I had just accepted that it was going ahead.  For weeks I had been saying to everyone 'oh its bound to be cancelled!', mainly to prepare myself in case it was.  However I wasn't expecting to be cancelled the day before, maybe on the day.  They said at my pre-op consultation that the only reason for cancelling would be due to there be a high amount of trauma and no ICU beds available!  Well thats the reason I was given.

I don't think the surgeons and their staff realise the emotional turmoil you go through prior to major surgery!  I have been at my wits end, very nervous, I've blitzed the house to take my mind off things (painfully and slowly I might add). 

What have I been worried about?  Well!! ..... I've been scared stiff of the pain I'll be in after, I've been told it's like waking up with a table strapped to your back.  The horror stories you hear of people not going under properly and feeling and being aware of everything going on but being paralysed and not able to make people aware, (very very rare I know, but I've read it!), I'm scared of actually dying on the operating table, or being paralysed after the op.  My one nightmare is going down to theatre, waving goodbye to my gorgeous husband and never seeing him or the kids again.  Don't tell me that no-one thinks that when they are having major surgery!  Yes maybe I am being totally melodramatic but I always am.  I am an optimistic person really, honestly, but then on the other hand I do think the worse so that I am never disappointed and nothing can ever be as bad as I think it could be.

I've been signed off work due to not mentally or physically being able to cope, building myself up for this op, I've made my Will, I packed, created a numbers list for Hubby to call.  Had tearful evenings curled up with Hubby talking about the quality of life I'll have back after the op.   Also no-one thinks about him. He's self-employed and had to organise work around this op, making sure he would be able to be around and then the night before at 5pm came the call.  "Sorry due to the amount of trauma we have in the hospital at the moment, we cannot proceed with your operation!"   BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!  Then she had the cheek to ask if I was busy the next day as she will call me with a new date for the operation!.. AM I BUSY!  Well I'm not now am I?  

Today is Friday.  I should be in ICU recovering from spinal fusion, but instead I'm waiting for another date!