Monday 10 November - Can't think of a heading!

It was definately an eventful week last week, starting with one of my close friends going missing.  I'm pleased to say she's home.  Now I'm not in any way, shape or form religious, but for some reason I am praying she gets back what she's lost and becomes that strong, vibrant, bubbly girl again.  She is such a broken angel whose wings have been cruelly clipped but they will mend as hopefully will she. Lots of love and hugs to you Hunny. Xxx 

Then my disastrous day at the hospital, that was such a long emotional day.  My surgeon/consultant..consultant surgeon...whatever, was not too pleased.  He spent the time he was meant to be operating on me searching for a bed in ICU.  He can't start the op without one!  He apparently searched the three ICU departments, argued with 'bed management', thought it was ridiculous as none of the beds have any orthopaedic patients in them and finally when it got to 12 noon, it was time to call it a day.  The op is too long to start after midday.  He apologised and said he would follow it up as soon as he finished our meeting and would get me in before Xmas!  Brilliant, however I wouldn't like to be working in 'bed management' when he shows up! 

Anyway, Friday morning I decided I wasn't going to call the admissions department.  Maria, his admissions secretary, would no doubt contact me when a date had been decided.  Well, if you know me, you know I'm not one to just sit and not make peeps aware that I'm waiting, so at lunchtime, I did call Maria.!   I apologised for calling her as I had said that I'd wait to hear....she cut me off saying..."but it's on Thursday, weren't you told!" She assumed that my consultant, after speaking with her then came back to tell me.  I'm pleased I rang, my letter arrived Saturday morning so, yes, we're doing it again.  

Fingers crossed I go down this time! :-) 

Grrrr!

As I thought....cancelled! Too angry to write anything else!

Waiting!

It's now 10.36am and I've been here now since 6.30am.  What have we done?..well... signed in, listed Steve as my next of kin..obviously.. seen a nurse just to do pre-op, blood pressure, temp, pulse..etc.  Saw the anaesthetist (can't spell it) who smirked at the fact that I'd had injections, then when I showed him the tablets I had to get to take once we'd seen him, he smirked at them and said..."Yes ok, bring them with you!"  Bet I don't take them!    He did explain that I would be having a large blood transfusion and that due to that he might not bring me round until tomorrow.  I will be in pain which he cannot take away but can manage...he said something about having a tube in my neck to self administer pain relief..and tubes out of every orifice..!

I'm now sat with Hubby waiting, watching Homes under the Hammer and feeling exceptionally hungry!

While sat here I keep going through different emotions...am I doing the right thing. Is it worth the pain. No I'm not doing it. For goodness sake, let's get on with it. *rubbling tummy*.

Hopefully I won't have to wait too long now.  Hubbys dropping off! Lol not really.

This is it!

OMG today is the day, I'm on my way with my lovely hubby to the hospital.  Really thought yesterday that it was going to get cancelled again and anxiously waited for the phone to ring.  I asked hubby what the time was...5.34pm-ish.... Oh shit it's happening!  So here I am sat in a frozen over car while hubby scrapes (we weren't expecting that!) Feeling very nervous, but knowing it will be worthwhile.  See you all on the other side!

Missing persons

Really can't explain how I'm feeling at this moment in time, but feel compelled to Blog!  One of my closest friends is missing!  How can that be??  This girl is a strong, head strong, independent woman who doesn't take fools lightly, knows her own mind, is young and vibrant.. Why then has she left a note saying she's had enough, left her keys and phone and disappeared.

There are reasons that I've heard but can't or won't write down until I've had them confirmed because I can't believe them... But my lovely girl, you have so many friends who love you and will protect you from anything. Please come home to the family and friends that hold you dear to their hearts.

I understand you may need time to get your head around things and if rumours are true I totally understand, but please just let those that care know you're safe.  Right deep down you are not a girl who gives up on things, so I know you're ok.  I don't believe in God, but believe me I'm praying for the safe return of my baby bell.

Isn't it Ironic!!

I've got all sorts of things going through my mind today... It's been another short while since I last wrote anything but I've got a new date for my operation. Its this Thursday 6 November!  Eek!!  Not sure how I feel about it to be honest. Very non-plus'd at this moment in time, good or bad, who knows.  It'll probably hit me tomorrow like a brick through a window.

I rang the hospital last Thursday asking when they think a date might be available and how long do people usually have to wait and it all depends on circumstances. If it was a small fusion where they could do 2 in one day and only need one surgeon then rearrangement is easier.  Mine, however, I need 2 surgeons, the theatre for the whole day and an ICU bed to top it all, so all those things need to come together to enable op to take place.

It's ironic really because Friday morning I text my boss at work and asked if I could come in the following Monday to organise coming back to work.  As lovely as it is to be off work and being paid for the privilege, its not me.  Much to my lovely husbands disgust I need to go back to work, for my sanity if anything! He's right tho, it will cause me more pain and break me again before the op.   Ten minutes after arranging a meeting for 10am on Monday, I had a call from the hospital informing me that I was booked in the following Thursday. 

Yay!!!!   Now to plan things.  First things first, make another 'to do' list.

1.  Sort bedroom!  total mess, again!!  My lovely hubby has bought himself a camp bed so that he can sleep next to me and not in bed with me cos he's frightened he'll hurt me.   I'm not complaining! he has a tendancy to lean on me during night and who wouldn't want the whole double bed to yourself!  This bed however, was opened up as the mattress was folded and creased in the middle and we thought it would be a good idea to let it settle.  It has now become a dumping ground for his washing, the family's ironing and other stuff I'm dreading to look at. 

2.  Pack!  What do I take - first 48 hours I'll just be in a hospital gown, I think. I've been informed no underwire bras as they are uncomfortable - my boobs without underwire will not be good - for the first few weeks, I doubt I'll be wearing a bra - omg, my boobs without restraint will cause serious havoc and have a mind of their own.  Lord knows where they'll find them when they bedroll me!!

Nightshirts, clean undies, toothbrush, dry shampoo, bandana, hair brush and sanitory towels.  Yes, at this important time in my life, my monthly has decided not to play ball and has decided to go AWOL!  It was originally expected a week before my original op date but as of today I'm 7 weeks over and no, I'm not pregnant - the lovely hubby's had the 'snip' so its stress and anxiety due to this flamin op. The one thing I am absolutely worried about this op, is not the pain, how long I'm going to be laid up for, it's my bodily functions.  How embarrassing for me to have a monthly when unable to reach down there...I'm dreading it -  even worse ...a poo!!  I have had a laugh with my lovely neighbour Di about trying to wipe ones backside when one cannot bend.  Joking is one thing, actually doing it...omg if someone has to wipe my arse I'm going to die!

Anyway, I've rambled on too long, there are loads of things to add to my 'to do' list, but I honestly can't remember what they are.  Best go and make a start on that room!

In Limbo!

I am totally fed up!

I feel desperate, angry, tearful, confused and so completely helpless I don't know which way to turn.

Wednesday operation was cancelled with a promise of a new date Thursday.

Thursday I had a telephone call with a promise of a date Friday as Surgeons too busy to discuss.

Friday - no call.  So I rang them.  No reply so left a message saying that they had promised me a date Friday.

Monday morning, I decided to call them again and I spoke to the lovely Maria, who is obviously part of a very large team of people who ring patients to book and cancel willy nilly, apologised for not calling Friday, she left early!  I'm so pleased she had a good weekend, because I had nothing else on my mind other than getting a further appointment for my op!  The powers that be are having a meeting today (Monday) to discuss the cancellations and she will definitely have a date for me after then and will call me that afternoon.  2pm no call.   I had some friends round for coffee and a natter and they told me call Maria.  I hate continually calling, I'm becoming a nusiance.  3pm still no call, so I call just before 4pm.  No answer and straight to answer phone.  I left another message.

Today, I have just put the phone down from the lovely Maria, its 4pm.  I was very good, I left it until now to ring.  She doesn't have any news for me.  I'm more than happy to call daily but she will call me once she gets a date, she promises!!!  To cap it all, Mr Bishop, one of my lovely surgeons, is on holiday with his family as its half term! 

So I'm in limbo - what do I do?!  Do I go back to work to find out that I'm booked into theatre in a week or so.  Do I stay at home and wait until the op which could then be scheduled in 3 months time and effectively eating into my sick leave entitlement and ultimately losing my job!  

Is the art of communication totally dead - has Maria actually spoken to the surgeons or her Manager to explain my situation.  Do they have any idea how physically and mentally draining this whole bloody procedure is? 

I know I'm ranting but I am angry and actually I am feeling completely sorry for myself and miserable and do you know what? I don't care anymore.  This whole procedure is ridiculous and needs to be changed.

Signing off now before I start swearing and cursing!!